Now, it’s entirely possible that this is just me, or at least just a manifestation of some of my deep seated neuroses or insecurities, in which case writing it out will do me some good, but I’ve come across an interesting thing with me of late…

I’m not one to shy away from communicaiton. If I think something needs to be said, I’ll say it, not a second’s hesitation wasted. If I think you need to hear something that isn’t neccessarily for public hearing, I’ll find a way to do it discreetly, but it will be said asap. I am honest and frank, analytical and calm under pressure…

…but I find myself unable, or unwilling, to communicate openly with people in a positive way.

This came up about half an hour ago when, having come under the weirdly transfixing power of Gotye’s ‘Somebody That I Used to Know’ on repeat, I felt inspired to write a list of things I felt I should say to people I knew, or had known, but felt unable to.

They ranged from ‘I love you for the choices you made, even when I felt they wronged me. I wish I’d been less of a dick’, aimed at my father, to ‘I wish we’d found our common ground sooner’ for my brother and even ‘Last time we spoke, I’m pretty sure you hated me. I hope you can forgive me for the things you judged me for’, which is in relation to an old school friend I fell out of contact with years ago.

I’ve been having a bit of a tricky time, depression wise, for the better part of a month and so, I guess a lot of my hurt and regret has been sitting close to the surface, because the list ended up pretty damn long and I’d only gotten past my family and old school friends… I hadn’t even started on people I’d met since…

I was puzzled; did I really feel that I had so much to say to people in my life? A lot of it was very positive, all but two or three by that point, so I was a little perplexed that some of it remained unsaid. Little things like telling an old friend that ‘[Your partner] is a very lucky man. I love you and I wish nothing but the best for the both of you.’ Why did I feel that this was something left unsaid? Surely she knew already…

…hold on…

…So, I feel that it’s something that doesn’t need to be said out loud, that she should know that she’s one of my dearest and oldest friends… fair enough… But, considering I’m something of a proponent of letting people know that you care for them, it seemed a little odd that I’d not said it…

But, even now, looking at it analytically, I’m… cautious about going through the list and saying those things to those people.

I seem to have a bizzare fear of positive communication.

I can defend my viewpoint to my mother that her and my father’s divorce has left me with some pretty nasty emotional scarring, but I can’t tell her that I aspire to be half as encouraging and loving a parent as she has been to me? I openly call my sister in law my sister, but have never said to her that I love her? Let alone her family, who I am also deeply fond of?

What on Earth could possibly be the cause of that? I’m honestly perplexed. Is it a hanging on effect of the ‘manly men don’t talk about feelings’ stigma? Am I so caught up in appearing strong that I refuse to appear ‘soft’, even if I’m telling my newest sister in law that, even though I don’t know her terribly well, my brother’s love for her is enough for me to love her as well?

Or maybe, the thought occurs, that it’s a new stigma developing, a piece of internet culture starting to manifest in the real world? In a world where you need to appear flippantly casual, emotionlessly professional or funny to avoid being torn apart by the wolves of social media (read: teenagers), do you start to guard yourself and the way you talk, even face to face, more?

I know for a fact that, if I put a note on my housemate’s Facebook page saying that I could not possibly express how much his friendship and companionship has meant to me over the years. That he has been with me through the worst times in my life and seen more of my emotional shit than any girlfriend of mine ever did. That the first time he referred to me as his ‘brother from another mother’ and told me that he was there for me, I choked up a little (I’d already broken down, so I don’t think he noticed…). If I told him all that, in public, for every person who made a supportive comment, there would be two others; one making a gay joke and another making a gay joke and kinda meaning it.

Has this fear of ridicule and ostracising become so ingrained in my head that it spills over in to real world encounters and manifests as the impression that the person I am telling these things to will ridicule me?

Well, that’s the effect, even if that isn’t the exact cause.

I know, even as I write this, that there will always be things I leave unsaid. Hell, by the time I publish this, I’ll probably have lost all nerve to say most, if not all of what I just wrote, to each person’s face.

I can’t help but wonder which effect it is, if not a mix of both…

EDIT: Well, it became apparent that I didn’t explain two points very well, but considering I was wired, at the end of my tether and begging for bed at 1am, I’m not surprised. So, here’s some clarification.

The gay jokes aren’t the crux of what would bother me in that final situaiton. I can take gay jokes and being called homosexual isn’t something that bothers me. The point of that is that, when you’re opening yourself up like that and revealing something so intensely personal, any light being made of it hurts, even when it’s made in good spirits.

Also, the fear aspect of the post is that there’s a transferrence going on. The sense that talking about these things will end in ridicule has extended even to private conversations. The fear is that, even in one on one conversations, the person I’m talking to will be the one to make light of it or be flippant in receiving the compliment.

Hopefully, that’s a little clearer now…